Where are they now?
A good five years after the first airing of The Following is a Paid Advertisement presents the ultimate question: who were those people in front of the camera, and what happened to them? Here are the answers:
Mike & Ruth Farlsburgh:
Shortly after their touchingly honest testimonials featured in TFIPA, the couple was contacted by an eager talent scout and within a few weeks had moved to LA, where they were considered a hot commodity in the infomercial market. After completing over thirty testimonials for various products, Ruth remembered they had failed to tell their three children, ages 7, 10 and 14, where they had gone.
Horribly disgusted at the intense selfishness that had come with the fame and fortunes of becoming infomercial stars, Ruth vowed never again to appear in another talking head interview, and quickly returned to their home town in search of their forgotten children. Mike, however, could not be convinced that such young children could not fend for themselves and opted to continue his testimonial work.
Unfortunately, the charm of the couple’s collaborative acting energy had disappeared, and Mike was unable to wow the audiences by himself. Currently, he is employed as a bus boy at a local family restaurant where the strict dress code requires him to clean tables in an oversized cartoon rodent costume. Ruth is in the process of filing for a divorce, under the claim that the man she once loved is “more actor than father.”
Moline Mullins:
After fifteen consecutive attempts at trying to take her own life, Moline is now residing at a rustic-themed Therapy Lodge in the Catskill Mountains, which she checked herself into only fifteen hours after the taping of her testimonials featured in TFIPA.
Her personal psychiatrist and local Rip Van Winkle-look-alike Dr. Elbert DelHumphries has recently come forth with the statement that the two have come to a major breakthrough after logging 90 hours of “safe talk sessions.” According to Dr. DelHumphries, Moline has suffered from an extensive inferiority complex due to the fact that she tries to “gain public acceptance through the baking of various edible goods.” These goods often include, but are not limited to: Hott Pockets, toaster pastries (both brand name and generic), brownies, cupcakes, pizza rolls and A-Team Shrinky Dinks, which she not only believes to be edible, but delectable.
“Please,” Dr. DelHumprhies pleaded at a bowling alley one night, “If one ever sees this afflicted soul, and she should offer you something oven-fresh, by all means, pretend to enjoy it!”
Frank & Hilda Wiggens:
Directly after seeing the filmed events featuring themselves as seen in TFIPA, Frank and Hilda Wiggens decided to attend specialized laughing classes, instructed by the world-famous “Laff Coach” Delano Rosenthal of the canned laugh track fame. Rosenthal has transformed many well-known stars into the beautifully sculpted laughers they are today.
Although the process was lengthy, arduous and incredibly expensive, the Wiggens prevailed, and just three weeks later they emerged from the Weekend Laugh Retreat with improved talent. Rosenthal commented that the two were the slowest learners he had ever encountered during his twenty years, but deemed them “the most enthusiastic to be taught.” Later, he denied both of these comments before a court-appointed panel of judges.
Now able and willing to laugh in a much more socially acceptable fashion, Frank and Hilda Wiggens are capable of meeting and continuing to keep the company of others. Unfortunately, Frank still over-pronounces many of his syllables.
Lloyd Bremmer:
Despite his numerous failed attempts at finding acting work, Lloyd refuses to leave his makeshift room amongst the clutter of his parent’s basement of their home in Everly, Ohio. “I figure if the bigwigs want talent this good enough, they’ll come to me,” he was quoted as saying according to one of our lawyers, as the restraining order we placed on him fortunately restricts us to actually speak face to face.
Shortly after his work in TFIPA, Lloyd continually phoned the Toronto offices of Layd Industries asking if they needed any more footage of him speaking on the subject of anything. Boasting of an uncanny ability to “improv up a gig for any topic you give me,” Lloyd was devastated to learn that his talents would no longer be needed, as the finished infomercial had been completed a good five months earlier, and had already been broadcasted.
Lloyd has recently been spotted working the local Tropic of Flavored Ice kiosk in the Oakdaleridge Outlet Mall fifteen miles outside of Everly. There are rumors that he was recently promoted to Customer Care Manager, but all further investigation was unable to prove this as a fact.
Emersyn Daly:
Just last May, Emersyn Daly celebrated the beginning of his tenth season of the smash hit cooking program/talk show, Emersyn Heats It Up. Hosting a spectacular 4-hour special, Emersyn invited back all of his most famous guests, such as Nanci Liu and Ringles of The Popcool Players fame, Avid LaGuerre, bestselling novelist of How Not to Kill Your Neighbor, Maurice Penchant, America’s most public recluse and Alise Summerlot, the world-renowned Fashioneer behind the Drants Plus™ line of modelwear.
After a rocky relationship with the press following the decidedly false claim of using imitation vanilla extract during his Cooking with the Authentics segment and purportedly dealing in the insidious Clove Black Market, Emersyn became the first celebrity chef to successfully sue all of the major news networks for “not leaving him alone.” Ironically, this ground-breaking historical legal case made the news that night. Emersyn used the money won to sponsor a NAZKAR driver that had come from a rough upbringing in the ghettos of Borr Oleo, Nebraska, provided that the car had “Pow!” prominently displayed on the hood, doors, roof, spoiler and wheels.
Currently, Emersyn continues to host Emersyn Heats It Up each weekday night at 11.30/12.30 Central. The network has boasted of future plans to book such wildly popular guests as Francis Berg, director of Yeti Explosion!, classic sitcom legend E.L. Peyton of Those Folks Next Door and Trixie DiBuxxxom whose area of fame is self-explanatory after thinking about her stage name for more than two minutes.
Jessica Crantz:
During the five years since appearing in TFIPA, Jessica Crantz, accredited feminist and self-proclaimed last surviving descendant of the Amazon Women has had numerous accomplishments. In addition to continuing her national tours in which she guides battered wives and other troubled women through an intricate rejuvenation program, Jessica has found the time to release a total of four more self-help books.
Skip the Panties, Wear the Boxers: An Independent Woman’s Guide to Feeling Good and Uncomforming was Jessica’s follow-up to her first book It’s a Woman’s World: Taking Back What’s Ours, and even surpassed its predecessor on the charts to rest on number 2 of the prestigious La Book Critique’s Mediocre Seller list. The third, Why Cry? Attack Back!: What Exactly You Should Do When He Strikes was unable to live up to the first two, yet still did moderately well in sales.
Womyn of War: A Novyl was technically classified as fiction, but was officially described as a “historically accurate work of myth,” and therefore stocked in most booksellers’ “Odds ‘n Ends” section. Sadly, Jessica’s shortest and most recent literary work, Witty Title Colon Subtitle to Explain the Previous Witty Title was generally viewed as a poor attempt at making easy money and even deemed “rigidly formulaic and most entertainingly dull in a bad way” by esteemed book critic Charles Throat. Jessica blamed his inability to interpret the hidden meaning on his being a man.
Vlacz & K’Pqcz Kunvc:
Shortly after their overwhelming success on their work on the miniseries biopic Piyyow, airing on the Lifetime channel, Vlacz and K’Pqcz found themselves in a veritable maelstrom of offers to convert their heartwarming rags-to-riches success story into a great many things, such as a feature-length film, designer line of pillows, raunchy cartoon sitcom and endorsed set of shampoos and conditioners.
Declining most of the marketing opportunities, Vlacz and K’Pqcz decided to donate a large portion of their earnings to build and maintain the first boarding school for orphaned Stauldisian boys and girls whose parents were among the many, many amateur pillow-throwing casualties. After two years of sharing in a joint role of headmaster, the famous Stauldisian couple began to experience another bout of marital strife, and separated temporarily to cool down.
After two years of limited exchange, Vlacz and K’Pqcz reunited and renewed their marriage vows in a Weddin’ Barn on the outskirts of Branson, MO. Presently, the two are hard at work with the latest miniseries detailing more of their pillow-oriented struggles entitled Piyyow 2: Bittersweet Corn. The follow-up is set to air in a 24-hour marathon of similar success stories on the ADD network.
Dharma Lewis:
Since her breakout role of Geraldine VanDinkle on the hit sitcom, Those Folks Next Door in 1973-1976, Lewis has had little-to-no acting work whatsoever. Shortly after the cast and crew of Those Folks Next Door split up and the show was cancelled, Lewis sold nearly all of her belongings and went on a Soul-Searching Journey in the least populated portion of Yosemite National Park.
Three months later, wearing nothing but a crude dress fashioned from tree bark, leaves and campers’ tents, Lewis emerged again and made a formal statement that she was forming a selective tight-knit following called the Feldestrian Hive. She graciously voted herself to be the Supreme Leader. Soon, the cult following gained hundreds of devoted members, and Lewis was soon faced with an opportunity to partake in an extensive documentary detailing the life of Those Folks Next Door. Jumping at the chance, Lewis was reunited with her former co-star and child actor, Billy Edisen. Throughout the course of filming, the two mended a broken relationship, and as a result, Lewis dropped the cult on account of it being “really kinda stupid.”
Deciding it was time to go back to her original roots as an actress, Lewis did small parts in commercials and lent her voice to record audio commentary on the complete DVD set of Those Folks Next Door, which was never released. Currently, she continues to struggle to makes ends meet by acting. The Feldestrian Hive is still operating, run by Emilielle Flora, second member and self-appointed Nature Spokeswoman. Lewis hopes there will be a documentary in the near future about the Hive, giving her another acting opportunity.
Cathy Layd:
After the unexpected success of Layd Industries’ KERNL model, Cathy Layd has been enjoying a five-year sabbatical from her CEO position. While the company continues to upgrade and profit off of the corn-crushing robot, Layd relaxes by playing in Xtreme Golf!™ tournaments, attending glow-in-the-dark conventions to add to her extensive glow-in-the-dark object collection and partakes each year in the annual Lounging Contest, held in Belleville, Arkansas.
Layd, winner of three Lazer Shuffleboard championships, four-time first place winner of the Dayton Motorized Wheelchair Marathons and owner of the Sit ‘n Stare Trophy for 2004, will be returning to her former place within the walls of Layd Industries at the end of the year.
Rumor has it that the company is already under way to complete the KERNL v2.0, complete with attachments to allow the revolutionary robot to not only crush corn, but possibly other household ingredients as well. If this concept is successfully carried out, Layd Industries will once again make history with their innovative ideas and dreams to help in the kitchen.
KERNL:
The original KERNL now enjoys his private beach house on the D’Djuinna Isles, home of the world’s most perfectly cartoon-like palm trees. He assures his thriving fan base that he feels a-live every day.