Meatloaf? More like Meatjoke.

For those of you who don’t know me personally, which is probably not very many people if you are reading this article close to the date of publication, you are aware of my job in the Hy-Vee kitchen. For those of you who are newcomers, now you know. For those of you who don’t know what Hy-Vee is, it’s a grocery store with approximately the stupidest name ever. The Hy-Vee I am presently employed at is situated next to two complexes for the retired elderly. For those of you who don’t know who the elderly are, they are vicious, confused people who would steal pennies from my tip money to survive the depression.

Enter meatloaf.

Meatloaf is an elderly person’s world. Facilities which produce meatloaf are an elderly person’s hip hangout pad. Meatloaf is, in fact, an old person’s very lifeblood. If there was a videogame about being an old person, meatloaf would restore both your energy and magic power. In fact, the only food that old people can safely eat without having their rotted teeth falling out besides smoothies (and they can’t have those because the fruit plugs up their bums) is meatloaf.

Meatloaf is probably made out of human marrow. Could whoever invented meatloaf have made it any more repulsive? First of all, let’s examine the name: Meat loaf. It is a loaf of meat. Couldn’t it be called something appetizing like “meat cake” or “meat supreme?” Or something healthy like “protein log?” Additionally, it looks revolting. Ok, so hamburgers aren’t the most attractive things in the world, but at least they’re pressed into cute, manageable, delicious patties. Meatloaf is just a mishmash of entrails and bread with a thick layer of red goop poured atop.

Meatloaf tastes like butt with a bottle of ketchup poured all over it. For some odd reason, somebody decided that it would be a good idea to put little chunks of bread in. Normally I like the combination of meat and bread in food such as sandwiches, but in meatloaf the combination is bastardized by the fact that the bread turns to mash that has the consistency of a leper’s skin chunks. Then comes the topping; I’ve had multiple flavors of topping, but they all resemble varying degrees of ketchup, on a scale of “ketchup mixed with Skoal Vodka” to “ketchup mixed with rotten pineapple,” with “ketchup mixed with rotten pineapple” being the best.

Here is a horrific picture of meatloaf:

Chills you to the bone, doesn’t it? Action must be taken against this vile foodstuff. Luckily, there is a group named FLAB. (Food Lovers Against Bad-tastes) committed to banning the substance. FLAB is not without its weight in problems, though. A gang of wicked, grumpy senior citizens who call themselves the “Fiber Fogies” haunt FLAB incessantly. A common sign that Fiber Fogy members have been in a city is spray painting on the sidewalk that says only “Fiber” because old people can’t bend over or use their limbs for long enough to write anything more than that.

FLAB has launched a strong campaign against meatloaf, spearheaded by their witty chants. Here are a few examples:

Meatloaf, meatloaf, double beetloaf
I hate meatloaf!
(From A Christmas Story. It is Ralphie’s brother Randy’s poem from the dinner table prior to being forced to eat his meatloaf like a little piggy by his mother.)

Meatloaf is for stupid oafs
We’ve had enough, we’ve had enough

These boots were made for walking
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days they’re gonna walk all over meatloaf

Give me an M! “M!” Give me an E! “E!” Give me an A! “A!” etc…
What’s that spell?!
“MEATLOAF!”
What‘re we gonna do to meatloaf?!
“KILL, KILL, KILL!”

No more meatloaf, no more bread crumbs!
Why eat bland when we have Tums?

According to Wikipedia, “Because of the potential hodgepodge of ingredients, meatloaf is a popular food in comedy, and usually portrayed as being ruined by a lack of cooking skill.” I wholeheartedly disagree. Meatloaf is not funny at all. It’s vapid. Just look at it, sitting there unattractively and contributing nothing to society. It’s just pathetic. And it needs to stop. Also, meatloaf cannot be ruined by a lack of cooking skill. No matter how well-prepared meatloaf is, it will taste and look like crap due to its inherent properties. A homeless man could take ground up meat from Ashlee Simpson’s body, mix it with bread crumbs, and char it to a crisp and it would still be the same quality meatloaf as if Emeril Lagasse cooked ground beef from the most pure Indian cow and rubbed it with his delicious Cajun spices.

Maybe now you realize why you should never eat meatloaf. It tastes horrible, it attracts elderly people, and it’s just plain boring. One day, perhaps FLAB will overcome the Fiber Fogies and achieve their goal of a loafless world. Until then, working at the Hy-Vee kitchen will continue to be hell. If a 40-year-old who still collected Transformers action figures and lived with his mother was a food, he would be meatloaf.