Why Anyone Can be a Star Wars Historian
My love for Star Wars is only surpassed by my love for a great many other things of better quality and pertinence to living life. Regardless, I can assure you that because pop culture factors into every waking moment of my existence, Star Wars follows suit and is a very evident obsession of mine. And, because of some of the more hardcore fans out there, I must pledge my allegiance to the original Star Wars trilogy of episodes IV, V and VI.
Although I enjoy all six movies equally, there are a few movies that I favor more equally than the rest, and this statement should hopefully allow my pardon to any lynchings a large portion of the fan base might’ve been planning on my behalf had I instead publicly expressed my love for the newer, Binks-ful editions.
Even though I do not consider myself a “huge fan” of the series, why do I love the Star Wars universe so? This explanation must be done in a timely fashion, in the form of a humorous essay and with the aid of several entertaining pictographs. Like the one below. Haha lol, so true.
One of the main reasons Star Wars is so intriguing is the because of the things you don’t necessarily see in the movies themselves. Simply put, Star Wars is really the only movie(s) that allows a single blurred and underpaid extra that has an onscreen time of approximately .7 seconds his or her very own name, title, rank, race, history, military background, dental records, easily marketable adventures, action figure and possible information on the whereabouts of his aged grandmother and in what star system you can find her in. It’s absolutely amazing, when you think about it. But don’t spend to long dwelling on it, because then it just goes right back to being sad again.
I’ve never heard of the fans, though rabid, of James Cameron’s Titanic giving entire back stories to the oodles of lowly actor grunts that appear to the lower right of Leonardo DiCaprio’s ear in Scene 28, and I severely doubt it’s just because most of them end up in a watery grave. Heck, you give that scenario to a frothing Star Wars fanboy, and he’ll dream up the whole “gill-evolving” Deus Ex Machina. They got Boba “I Scream Like a Girl and Am Utterly Useless But Have Spawned a Million Fans” Fett out of the stomach of a gigantic sand creature (Sarlacc, yes, I know the terminology), so who knows what they’re truly capable of.
I wonder if some of the actual actors who had to spend countless hours milling about on set between takes just to appear as a large celluloid smudge for a frame or two aren’t actually the ones who start it all. Do they, having nothing beter to do with their liver spotted selves, log onto a raging online community as “CptSEEGglxypnchr” and start entire threads about their glorious cinematic pasts? Such as this one:
CptSEEGglxypnchr: hey, you guys do you kno how much a Captan Seeg GAlaxypuncher action figure (vintage 1987) goes for nowdays???
WOOKIELUVR: WTF? Who?!?!?
Darth_Earl: There’s no such guy go back to your star treck convention!!!!!!1!
CptSEEGglxypnchr: what?!?!you guys don’t even kno who Galaxypuncher is?? I guess you’re not true fans leik me.
Darth_Earl: haha whatever.
Niennunb: you lie. if your so smart, where is he?
WOOKIELUVR: and I thru III dont count.
CptSEEGglxypnchr: no, he’s the guy who told the rebels how to kill the deathstar. duh.
Niennunb: so he’s a part of the bothan spynet?
CptSEEGglxypnchr: no, dumass, hes a empire guy, but turned good. hes right behind vadar one hour fifteen minutes and fifty-three seconds into new hope.
Darth_Earl: ………………….really??
CptSEEGglxypnchr: yea, i cant beleve you guys didnt kno that already. duh.
And it grows from there. A man in a uniform looking offscreen with a bored expression has just been reborn into the formidable Seeg Galaxypuncher, traitorous Captain in the Galactic Empire who single-handedly delivered the weakness of the Deathstar to Princess Leia Organa herself, thus making the rest of the movie possible.
To show you just how easy being a Star Wars historian is, I will walk you through the appropriate steps to sounding like you know your obscure characters. Impress your friends and co-workers, or get the snot beat out of you!
Create Your Very Own Star Wars Character!!!
First, take a single frame from any of the Star Wars movies. Any old frame will do, even one without actors in it, because plants and animals and clouds and nothingness can easily be twisted into an entire race of aliens in the Star Wars universe!
Secondtively, pick your subject. My frame happens to be from a scene where our heroes are on Cloud City, and I think I can just make out a person to pin some extravagant timeline to.
After you’ve chosen your character, give him, her or it a name. Make sure you put lots of vowels in funny places, or apostrophes in places normal people wouldn’t have them. It makes it fun! My character looks determined, steadfast, hearty and bored. I think I’ll name him Vice-Mayor Kiij Bultrawri of Bespin. Hint: titles and ranks are always good, because everyone is somehow related to militaristic terms in Star Wars.
What’s that you say? Vice-Mayor Kiij Bultrawri of Bespin is looking a little lonely? That’s probably because the actor wanted to go home for the day, since shooting had gone long, but that doesn’t matter in Star Wars! He’s lonely because he doesn’t have a rich and full history, complete with star battles and lightsaber duels. You don’t think he became the Vice-Mayor of Bespin just by standing in back of Billy Dee Williams all day, do you? No! In fact, I happen to know that Bultrawri fought in the Clone Wars as an ace starfighter gunman under the alias Ace Stargunner, and he’s actually a Panlian, and that’s why he’s aged so well. He also witnessed the epic battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker on the volcanic planet of Mustafar. And while he’s no Jedi, he’s Force Sensitive, and he actually Force Pushed Anakin so that his torso would erupt into hilarious flames. You can just make out his CGI’d face if you go frame by frame in Episode III.
After giving your random extra a fantastic biography, attach a few merchandising mediums to your character’s name and you’re done.
And it’s just that easy. I lost count of the number of steps halfway through, and I’m too lazy to go back and count, but I’m sure it’s only like fifteen or sixteen. In any case, it’s quick and fun to boot, so get screen capturing and create some epic heroes right now! It’s not illegal, and George Lucas could care less, since he doesn’t even know how to pronounce Han’s name correctly! Good luck, and may the spiritual power of your choice be with you!
-nat j gruca